Believe it or not, us Germans like to party. Big time. There’s a reason why the world’s best beer is made in Germany (no need to be jealous, dear Czechs). Because when Germans organise a party, everything has to be top-notch, even the booze.
So let me guide you through the finely engineered process of throwing a party that is not only legendary, but precision-perfect.
Step 1: Invite your guests exactly 16 days in advance
You may have heard that punctuality is a virtue held in high esteem by all Germans. So don’t mess this up. If you want your party to happen, give 16 days notice. I guarantee that almost everyone you invite will show up.
Step 2: Have a guest list
In order to prepare your shopping, you will need to know how many people will attend your little Fete. With a up-to-date guest list you can give precise instructions on what to bring. If you can’t afford 20+ Germans getting drunk (which is likely), state clearly that everyone should bring their own beverages. It is German custom, though, to provide at least two cages of Bier yourself. Don’t be greedy.
Also, encourage everbody to bring some food. It’s important to stress that ONE pasta salad is enough. And if you’re really into your lists (as every German is), you’ve made a special event on Facebook for your party. Make sure to have a Google Doc attached to it that states who brings what. Like this, the other guests can see what’s missing and you will be praised for your outstanding organisation skills. You can also be a real pain in the ass and continuously remind uncommitted guests that they should bring some baguette or at least a bag of chips, for crying out loud.
Step 3: Allow smoking inside your apartment/house
Germans all around the world are known to be the last Northern European country that still really is into its smoking habit. Even though we are very clean and responsible people during the week, we unleash the alcoholic chain-smoker inside us on our days off. So provide some ashtrays and stop being a pussy about it. It’s a party, after all, and not a freakin’ Yoga retreat.
Step 4: Provide sleeping options for at least five people
This is not only a guarantee for some people getting absolutely sh*tfaced and therefore giving your party some much-needed edge, but also a brilliant way to have some people at your house the next day. Those poor, hungover party animals will help with the massive clean-up. Make sure you get up before them and get Semmeln from the bakery. They will have earned them.
Step 5: Relax already!
If the big date is finally there, don’t stress yourself out too much. You’ve organised everything perfectly in advance. The beer is in the fridge, on the balcony (in winter) or the bathtub filled with cold water (in summer), food is on its way, and so are your guests. So help yourself to the first cigarette of the night while you bring out a neatly stacked pile of plates and some cutlery and lock your inner German away for the night. Have fun!
Do: Invite people, tell them what to bring, allow smoking, don’t be a dick/bitch about smoking.
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